Saab..Angrezi malum?

I hate the corporate white monkey (you know who I am talking about, don’t u?). You think you are the smartest a** around. I think otherwise.
For one you can’t seem to accept that your accent is fake and anybody can tell. USA and Australia can give you two very different accents- provided u stay there for more than a couple of days every few months. Speaking slowly and deliberately can also convey that you are too dumb get quick vocabs.
And boss! mobile users use the network not your raw decibel to communicate across miles. And for god’s sakes we don’t need to know what time you intend to get into bed (nobody is interested! Pun intended!).
Where in the godforsaken geographical regime did a ‘Gora’ teach you to wear goggles in an air-conditioned cabin.
And oh yeah! In the meetings: ‘I prefer’ ‘I don’t like’ ‘ I want you to’ is not what I am here for; let’s talk about the company. If I missed on the length of the call- no accident! Will anything I say alter that?
And boss! Diplomacy is one deal; and repeating what you hear on the corporate sitcom is another (why do we even bother to ask questions?)
And hey! Who are you kidding sweets! We don’t have parties so that you can get drunk and pat everybody on the back for every line of code they wrote and to see to what great lengths you can prove yourself to be patronizing; and for Christ’s sakes don’t spill that drink (expensive u know).
Maybe you slept right through the culture practise sessions when they asked you not to slurp up your coffee. And boy (old)! Coffee and fag can give you bad breath. Spare me!
We don’t have bad memories; we remember exactly when it was that you were mud slinging and back stabbing. So quit the jargon on professionalism.
Lovely mobile, lovely shirt and lovely tie: the single knot at least shouldn’t be rocket science.
Yes! You’re next to Saint Bill Gates in your exceptional intelligence and tactfulness; but somehow my baby sister feels she is more brilliant.
And last but not the least. We had moral stories during first grade that said ‘Lying will take you to hell’.
They say a watched kettle never boils. Damn! So I will pretend I am working mean while.

To kill a boring timesheet.

Boredom like happiness is a phenomenon that does not set in without your permission.
You can always opt for more exciting offers.
And since I have been on bench for the past three months, I have had time to experiment.

The first few days; I sat back and read the entire Garfield collection. Now; there is no other virtually real character that I adore more. And during this time I noticed that an over eating sensation can set in from having too much of what you like- not considering what form you take it in.

So I decided that I am a responsible citizen of the universe and started reading all kinds of newspapers. National and international. Too many disasters, terror strikes, toxic wastes, global warming, stock market going down and political filth! Now disgust is a very exciting emotion. You can brood with it, sulk with, suicide with it (hmmm) and you can even sleep with it.

Since research was the next step for any honest to God, responsible, solution seeking woman of the world; I sat reading the histories of world problems -to set the ‘who started what’ straight. Lebanon, Israel, Pakistan, India, Palestine, Iraq, Kuwait. Hey! Have you heard about that chicken and egg question? Good!

Several weeks of face to face interaction followed. I learned the HR department tosses coins to see if you fill a slot. There is more than one kind of managers: the ones who don’t care about your growth and the ones who don’t care. Threatening is a good way to get your way. Cheating is good- For your ego. And people are going to ask you the most obvious questions is the world: ‘why the heck do you want an onsite’ ‘why do you want to work on a challenging project’ ‘so what if you don’t get a chance now’ ‘what makes you think that doing an year long bad project is going to slow you down’ ‘who the hell asked you to be patient’ ‘where did you get the idea that people are rewarded for good performance’ ‘what makes you think that your appraisal meant anything to us’ ‘it’s all about being at the right place at the right time, what? , you disagree?’ Well, well.. you get a concoction of exciting feelings there.

You can always decide to write a book. No, no! don’t write one. Every human being decides to write a book. I was going to put in all my experiments: with my character, with my emotions, and with other people’s emotions. My book would have been called ‘my experiments with truth’. Gandhi had copyrights to that title. Damn! There goes my book. But a feeling of oneness with the man for thinking on the same lines gives you some solace. I still haven’t forgiven him for stealing my path to fame. What we have here is a feeling of trespassed greatness.

You can be a jolly good fellow. And collect information. God bless my outlook. Sharing knowledge has never attained such heights of convenience. All I have to is CTRL+C; CTRL+V, and press FWD. It is gratifying to let them know you are a woman of words. It makes you feel smart. Much smarter than the dumbass in the next cubicle who is coding away to glory. Curse him!
You can forward any mail without reading. Even to that religious uncle of yours who thinks you are taking his advice. And then spent a fortnight worrying about whether he actually opened that stupid attachment (the one with the non-veg parts in it). The next do gooder mail from him can soothe you down. But while you wait, a stormy blood pressure will save you from boredom.

There are many more ways to kill boredom. Just ask me. I think this topic is getting too long, so ciao.

All knotted

Some time back a friend of mine said he wanted to marry a gal who knew what the relationship was about. That’s the first time it struck. My god! I never have thought about it either. I always took it as a simple friendship arrangement. Obviously, there is a lot more; like washing, cleaning; I almost forgot cooking.

Quite a few relationships I have seen in my life and I don’t know how many of them I can call truly knotted (u know, in the right sense).

My grand-parent’s generation had workable relations when the women hardly ever had anything to say outside the kitchen. I have seen some on the other extreme too; with a tomboyish granny and a lamb of a grandpa. What appalls me is the fact they were quite at peace with this arrangement. I think it was more because these people considered themselves modern (read ‘not beating up their wives and marrying any second lady in their sight’) compared to their predecessors. I cannot comment more here; as I have not had much of a chance to research this age group(they are either dead, widowed, or so used to each other that they wouldn’t treat anybody else any different). To tell you the truth; it hurts my imagination to wonder the romances of those era. Come on guys! I never heard of a divorce from their times. I guess they stayed together for the sense of belonging to whatever it was that they called their feelings for each other (love?).

Some of the better relationships I have seen from ‘my’ predecessor of a generation are the ones where you have a sensible woman. The one talking sense into madness. Here the man has the full advantage of appearing to be the master (very superficial these men can be), however in reality; it’s the woman with whom the actual decisions lay. She gives him credit for decisions which were actually hers. A bit of pampering from her side and pretending to agree with him (when in reality she is waiting for him to calm down so that he is sane enough to agree with her). The beginning of the relationship started off with herself trying to tame him (I have to believe this purely by word of mouth; they all say this) and slowly enrapturing him in her love and devotion (yeah right lady! You were pushing the unassuming chap into a vicious circle).

And the relationships of my generation seem to work on an even more balanced situation.
And they expect me to take their advice when they tell me what would have been best suited for my parent’s era. But as per my observation; now a days; the relationships work on the tolerance factor. If they can tolerate the negative strains of each other quite happily (forget the strengths of both parties), most of the times we see workable happy relationship (I guess this tolerance is what we really mean by chemistry). Since divorce is still a big deal in India; we see love turning to anger turning to frustration turning to desperation turning to mere indifference when there is no ‘chemistry’. Somehow this ridiculous state of cold war will pass for a stable marriage. And what is even more ridiculous is that the parents find solace in the absence of any outbursts. Sure! Tolerance was a factor always. But it has become a matter of choice for the womenfolk in India only very recently. Initially the women did not know that tolerance was a word, then they had to tolerate anything, now they have choice whether to do anything about it (I guess it’s still difficult for people who decide to). And now the poor men folk who’ve had docile moms and daring wives find in all this nothing but a big confusion (can you blame them entirely?).

I guess what I have jotted down is a set of theories that made marriages difficult for 3 generations. Well, once we know the problems we can at least start looking for a solution.

The Avengers

Revenge:

Revenge can stem from baseless prejudices even unaccounted for jealousy. However if the avenger is a sharp mind; then you can get hurt very bad. Better stay away from them, and dont believe a word they say. but lets get on the lighter side.

This act need not attain life threatening criticality. Sometimes the frugality of the intentions can make it quite humorous.

I had a neighbour in my previous apartment who needed tenants. Being quite aware of how pathetic the accomodation was, i did not bother to extend my help in any way. I think they did the best to retaliate. One week later my landlords got concerns of blaring music channels in the death of the night. Pitifully the ill timing of the complaint and since my owners were quite happy with me and have had never a complaint during the past two plus years; that cry went unheard.

I see futile revenge as a part of immaturity. speaking about which; the award goes to an 8-year experience guy of bird brain.. this chap had mind boggling talent on accruing interest on his already trashy reputation. All credits to him.... this was a well earned position to which he dedicated a majority of his existence. A customer representative for our bank send him a reminder copying the rest of the management; his reponse?.. well he swore on all stars that he was not going to speak to the lady again. Much help did that do. He was sent back to wherever he came from with a one way ticket.

What certain Words mean - PART I

Inheritance:
A word conveniently under-estimated.
There was a time when I used to throw wrappers out my car window without a second thought. I don’t do that now; thanks to a friend of mine (who gave me a good thrashing). I have been careful never to drop a paper outside the garbage can after that. Moreover I try (at every chance I get) to make another person realize the significance of this very menial however very significant responsibility.
But the latest revelation struck me at a painful angle. I was on my way to the city on a rusty dusty public bus. A mother and an eight year old kid came and sat opposite. Now this kid had beautiful light brown eyes with a black rim to her brilliant pupils. I looked at the mom and instantly saw where those eyes came from. The child was chewing on some nit bits from a plastic wrapper. Once she emptied the small packet she rolled it into a tiny crumple and hesitated at the window sill. I could feel her uncertainty; and to clear her doubts I shook an admonishing finger at her. She quickly moved away. At this her mom who was watching me through the corner of her eyes; grabbed the piece of plastic and threw it out the window. And then she sat up a little straighter with a smug smile which spoke tonnes of what she thought about a stagy lass as me.

And I kept wondering what responsibility meant to such people. Unknown to this woman; her daughter was inheriting more than her beautiful eye color. And she couldn’t care less.

Liar, Liar pants on fire…….

All of us lie. We lie for different reasons. I lie when I feel that there is no other way out. I call them lies but what I actually do is not say the entire truth. As they say half truth is as good as a lie. There is one more reason I lie. I do it to amuse people. Some people call it exaggeration. Whatever new words they come up with: a lie is a lie.
But there are some reasons that irk me. Hypocrites are a species of liars I cannot stand. These people lie unnecessarily. When it is so evident that what you say has no relation to your actions, the whole purpose is lost. What they gain is absolutely over my wavelength of thought.
Then I have seen people who lie for reasons I never figured out. But that goes fine until they hurt someone.
Here a few liars in my life. No names mentioned, just the gender and the age group (to help you visualize better).
Female, age group: 8- 10;
(This girl was rampant in her lies. But I am happy to see that it was all a part of immaturity and restless mischief. She has grown to a fine person with very high principles and favors in my current list of strong characters.)
She stole a crystal piece from her sibling and hid it for pure mischief sake. She blamed it on the maid.
Result: a lot of bad vibes against the poor lady.
Female, age group: 48-55;
(This is a female with very low principles. I am yet to see a more disgraceful hypocrite)
This middle aged woman thinks that she is the only one with brains around (which I strongly disagree- her cheap thoughts often issued heartfelt pity from me). She is the kind who will praise you to dangerous heights and can’t even wait till your back is turned before calling you a damned problem with no talent whatsoever ( a second meeting with this lady is more than enough to understand her character; but she still insists on pulling the same old lines ). It’s rather a pitiful sight to watch her praise her own achievements (Boy! Do I hate this lady!).
Male, age group: 50-55;
I am worried about this age group. I find the maximum hypocrites here. I hope that it’s not a normal phenomenon. I’d hate to be under that category (I am talking about the hypocrite category, of course; and about the middle age category- well I can’t help this, can I?).
This person is too scared to face what the world would say; and tries to project everything he is not. And what is worse, he forces others to do the same. Lying is all a part of living- according to his philosophy. Denying his own happiness keeps him contended (I don’t understand this).
Male, age group: 30-35;
He will lie and hide behind his mother’s apron. What’s the most pitiful aspect is- he does not have the courage to repeat his lies in front the person he is lying about. And he puts his head high up and expects his momma dear to help him out (which she gladly will).
What’s even funnier is the way he introduces himself - ‘hello, I am so and so. I can tolerate anything but lies’. Yes sweetheart! I can see u can’t stand competition.

Female, age group: 28-32;
This specimen of the fairer sex is your normal hag. Lying to create sensation. She will even lie in her coffin if she could get the press to follow her funeral.

Male & Female Age group: Undefined. (Location: small town.J)
Now you know what I am talking about. Our very own, very talented home grown page 3 reporters. I guess, you can tell me more about them than what I can tell you.
So don’t be shy; put in your comments.

Beginner’s Luck,,,

A few days back I was comprehending ‘Beginner’s Luck’. For; it’s a fact! I at least have tried and tested that. I wonder what makes new undertakings in never before tried areas successful. Is that simply luck? The beginner’s luck? If so what happens after that? Why should that luck wane? Why does it get tougher and rougher?
I believe in explanations. And I reached some pretty interesting conclusions after a few hours of focused analysis.
(These are what I came up with. But surely would appreciate it if anyone can think of more.)


• Initially we try easier stuffs (like your alphabet song). But later on down the line; we attempt harder assignments (like Shakespeare).
• When we start afresh on anything, the enthusiasm level is the highest. There is an enthusiasm to learn, and finish the task, a thrill of completing something entirely new. So very menial challenges we face add to the thrill rather than hinder us. It’s like that kid who wants to finish his first homework.
• In the beginning we are clear on our limits, the amount of know how (very minimal of course) etc. so we forgive ourselves for these ‘crimes’. As we advance in a field, anything the guy next door knows about it (that we don’t know) makes us feel ignorant. We take ourselves as the self proclaimed experts. This adds to frustration. Takes a toll on that element of enthusiasm, don’t you think? We forget in the process to get the info from the guy next door; and rather prefer to remain ignorant. We thus keep losing a lot of dimensions on that field (which could have helped; if we had only kept that open receptive mind alive!)
• We take help! We take help! We take help! Then after the first project goes live- we know everything! Poor us! Poor poor us! If only we knew that the guy standing at the end of the tunnel had a torch!
• The last but not the least we do not anticipate hurdles. As we know a field, we know what rocks the world and what can put a wedge underneath that smooth rocker. That’s well and good. But the lack of that knowledge and the seriousness of it make the first timer enjoy his journey more.

I realized that if we could work on the above points our beginner’s LUCK need not wane. We could have the ‘beginner’s luck’ for the rest of our lives if:
• We divided our heavy duty stuff to reasonable sizes.
• We kept our enthusiasm bubbling out of the cauldron.
• We remember that we are not gods. We can err (no wonder we are called humans!).
• We don’t think taking help is for losers.
• We look on both sides before crossing. But for god’s sakes if the rest of the path lies on the other side; let’s just cross the highway.